2 posts tagged “depression”

This week has been tumultous for me, so much so that I just can't seem to breathe, for fear of choking on air.

My department has been going through a greusome audit.  After spending hours sitting with the auditors and going over all the paperwork, it's over.  But, it has left me physically, and emotionally drained.

Then, I have been trying to catch all my work up from.. the weeks I spent working on the audit.

The weather hear sucks, its GEORGIA, its cold and rainy.. and bleaky and .. where the heck is spring??

I had a hell of a morning!!

And.. I am tired.....

Heres my Bad Day Poem -

"Suicide"

"I'm drained you've sucked the very core of me...

I'm cold.. you've hung me out to dry

I'm lonely.. you've left me all alone...

I'm saddened... with no place to call home

I can't breathe, my throat is just too dry

I hate you.. and I'm about to die."

P.S. - I am not gonna kill myself just taking some creative liberties.

I still can't put my finger exactly on why I am feeling rather shitty... It could be the fact that.. today was my first day off, and although I worked all day, I am not exactly pleased with my accomplishments.  I couldn't find the matching piece of furniture for Anthony's room, and I still want to make some more changes in the layout of his roo.m

Or I guess it could be the fact that my dad's indiscretion is here for 4 days, somehow seeing that little boy the products of his infidelity to our family, still brings bile to my throat.  Still makes me remember just how far .. my father fell off of that pedestal that I put him on.  And, today my honey had to meet him, and though by nature he is pretty nonjudmental, you gotta wonder what thoughts were going through his head.

Seeing him also makes me feel dissapointed in myself because as an adult, I should be able to get passed this and accept this child, but I can't.  I am not mean to him, I just shut down around him. Its almost like I am not there at all.  And, it bothers me.....

Then... I think its also the fact that I am going to be alone this weekend.  My honey is going to his home town, and then the kids are going with their grandparents.. to hang out with their uncle.. And, I dont want to be a part of it.

Do I have to give my whole family up when he comes to town? Gosh, I sound like a three year old who doesnt want to share her Barbie...