2 posts tagged “hurt”

I still can't put my finger exactly on why I am feeling rather shitty... It could be the fact that.. today was my first day off, and although I worked all day, I am not exactly pleased with my accomplishments.  I couldn't find the matching piece of furniture for Anthony's room, and I still want to make some more changes in the layout of his roo.m

Or I guess it could be the fact that my dad's indiscretion is here for 4 days, somehow seeing that little boy the products of his infidelity to our family, still brings bile to my throat.  Still makes me remember just how far .. my father fell off of that pedestal that I put him on.  And, today my honey had to meet him, and though by nature he is pretty nonjudmental, you gotta wonder what thoughts were going through his head.

Seeing him also makes me feel dissapointed in myself because as an adult, I should be able to get passed this and accept this child, but I can't.  I am not mean to him, I just shut down around him. Its almost like I am not there at all.  And, it bothers me.....

Then... I think its also the fact that I am going to be alone this weekend.  My honey is going to his home town, and then the kids are going with their grandparents.. to hang out with their uncle.. And, I dont want to be a part of it.

Do I have to give my whole family up when he comes to town? Gosh, I sound like a three year old who doesnt want to share her Barbie...

I don't know if maybe its just me, or if this extends to  most people, but I find it hard to let go of the past.  Whether it be a past relationship, a past hurt, a past dress size(lol).  Some how I can never seem to let go.  I move past it, and my life progresses, but something or someone keeps pulling me back.

I am haunted by memories of past heart breaks that never really seem to heal.  You see, I don't think about them, or focus on them, I dare say maybe I don't deal with them.  And, then the name or the subject of that hurt comes up, and I am right back there in the same spot, I was years ago with the blood boiling in my veins and the throbbing in my temple.

It's one of my greatest flaws, and even though it hasnt stood in my way as far as stunting my progress.  It's remnants carry over into my present life situations.  For example, I have never met a man who treated me the way that my current boyfriend treats me.  I never question for one second that he has anything but my best intentions at heart.  But, sometimes when resting in this security, uncertainty rears its ugly head, and I am transported back to the first time.. I rested in this secure feeling.  I remember how my world was blown apart by deceit and lies, and how... I struggled to keep taking in air.  I remember how it felt to have all the wind knocked out of me, and how I went through the motions to take care of my baby son at that time.  And, how in all honesty he was probably the only thing that saved me from falling into a despair I may not have come out of.

And, just as quickly as I relaxed, I bring my back up again.  Knowing full well, that I could never again withstand that kind of hit.  Knowing that at 30 almost 31, I would probably not recover as quickly as I did at 20.  The thought humbles me and it brings be back to what I know full well.  We are all humans and no matter how much you love and trust your mate, u must always be prepared.

Someone once told me that, the only way to not get hurt is to not expect anything.  I still haven't mastered that art yet.